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You don't meet many musicians who would sooner play to a handful of people than to a thousand, but my friend Mark is one. He's been my friend since the day I spoke at a church where he pressed a business card into my hand and said those three magic words, "Let's golf sometime." And so, we did. Together with our sons, we hacked and duffed and mulliganed our way around a golf course; it was the thing of which friendships are made. Recently, Mark and his wife, Cori, took my wife...
I've been reading a book called The Book of Lists. It includes things like "10 Celebrities who have seen UFOs." These include Muhammed Ali and William Shatner of "Star Trek" fame. Another list is "11 Cats Who Traveled Long Distances to Come Home." At the top of the list is a two-year-old part-Persian named Sugar who was left behind with a neighbor when her owners moved 1,500 miles from Anderson, Cali. to Gage, Okla. Two weeks later, Sugar disappeared. Fourteen month after...
Did you ever hit your head on a car door? I hope not. But if you have, you know it hurts. So, imagine my surprise when I saw a woodpecker clinging to the side of a metal lamppost, slamming his beak into that metal tree. OUCH! I thought, This is not the brightest bird in the flock. He's one feather short of a wing. How could he possibly pound his head into metal at lightning speed without one colossal headache? Without turning his brains to pudding? We humans can handle 5 Gs...
It's that time of year when I get to cook Mother's Day dinner and try out the smoke detector. I can't wait. I believe it was Eve in the Garden of Eden who first said, "Because I said so, that's why." Ever since, moms have been saying wise and sometimes hilarious things. One mother said, "Be nice to your brother; you may need one of his kidneys someday." Or consider Brett's mom, who said: "You're not listening. You need to start listening to me. I might say something important...
I don't encourage graffiti-painting buildings without being employed to do so. But there is some funny graffiti out there. A huge billboard says, "This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness." Below is spray-painted, "No we won't." Below a sign, "In case of fire, do not use elevator," someone spray-painted "Use water." In large letters on a plywood divider it says, "Bill posters will be prosecuted." Below, it says, "Bill Posters is an innocent man." On the back of a...
Kids help me laugh. My grandson said, "Grandpa, you're bald. You look extinguished." Animals help me laugh, too. If you've seen a naked mole rat or a hairless cat, you know God has a sense of humor. Then there's the platypus. I can picture God designing the prototype as angels look on in wonder: "I'll give it a body with flippers on its feet, a little like a beaver. Then, why not a duck head? And have it lay eggs. That will amuse and confuse the humans." I imagine God saying,...
I don't know about you, but I've never really liked pain. In ninth grade I weighed a whopping eighty-one pounds if I was carrying a suitcase so I decided to beef up by gorging myself on triple cheeseburgers and lifting weights. One Saturday, as I lay on my back thrusting a barbell into the air, those thirty pounds got away from me. I can still recall the event in vivid technicolor-in slow motion, sometimes in the middle of the night. That barbell came crashing toward my nose....
I was picking out a Valentine's card for my wife. One section read, "Apology Cards." I was curious. Flipping through them, I found mostly excuses. "I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking." "I didn't mean it." "I experienced temporary insanity." "I'm sorry for offending you." In school, one child was told to write an apology to a friend. He wrote, "Dear Brody, Miss P. made me write you this note. All I want to say sorry for . . . is for not being sorry cause I tried to feel sorry but I...
It's a new year. That time when my dentist says, "Out with the old teeth; in with the new." That time when we leave some things behind. In January 1973, I left trumpet lessons behind. I picked that thing up, and neighbor dogs would clap their paws over their ears and howl. Little kids would yell, "Mama! Make it stop!" In January 1974, I left piano lessons. And picked up the guitar. I'm so glad. Pianos are hard to carry. In January 1983, I left behind a moustache. And some...
I am an extremely young grandpa, still able to outrun and outjump thirteen grandkids. It helps that they are seven and under. When they're worn out from trying to catch me, they say, "Read to me." Sweeter words were seldom spoken. My second grandchild, Eowyn, snuggles up on my lap and listens, wide-eyed as three little oinkers set out to seek their fortune. She loves pigs. Loves it when the first little porker buys a load of straw. Loves it when the sweet little swine builds...
When my aging parents lived in our granny suite, they bought a new stereo because they could no longer hear the old one. The old one was an attractive little unit, complete with record player and 8-track. I think Noah used it on the Ark for weather reports. I was showing Mom and Dad how to set the digital clock on their new unit when my son Jeffrey, who had been admiring the 100-watt speakers said, "Um, Grandpa, you should put this thing in your will. I'd like it." My father...
I asked my 4-year-old grandson for the highlight of his day. He said, "Growing tobacco." Where he heard this, I'll never know. Here are other unfiltered thoughts from children: Jeanie said, "People are composed of girls and boys, also men and women. Boys are an awful bother. They want everything they see except soap." Reminds me of the thief who stole 30 bars of soap. Forgive me, but he made a clean getaway. A five-year-old was peeking into a baby carriage and saw twins. He...
When I'm having a bad day, I'm glad I'm not alone. At the Fitzwilliam Museum in Cambridge England, a loose shoelace, a lack of handrails and a marble wall conspired to give one ill-fated patron an Inspector Clousseau moment while bringing a shattering conclusion to the earthly pilgrimage of three Qing dynasty vases. Mr. Flynn's misadventure began when he ascended the wrong staircase, pivoted, and tripped on an untied shoelace. "I couldn't stop myself," he said. Hurtling...
"There's darkness down there," our four-year-old granddaughter whispered as she peered down the stairs. She was right. Bright spots on planet earth seem scarce these days. I love cheering people up. In April, 2020, during COVID-19, I told my wife, "I'm pretty excited about my car. We just got 43 days to the gallon." But life can drain our joy tank. A few years ago, we made a can't-miss-investment in a hotel. The bank foreclosed. Thankfully, I invested in some airline stocks. O...
We had plenty of rules when I was growing up. No throwing cheese into the ceiling fan. Stop pouring ketchup on your pancakes. Obey your parents, that it may go well with you and that you may live past Thursday. Mom taught me other rules too: Love God with everything you've got. Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. Make the bed when you wake up. He who starts the day cleaning his own messes will learn responsibility and make a fine husband one day. Through the years...
Tabloids do their best to start rumours. Here are a few headlines I'm not making up: "Farmer shoots 23-pound grasshopper." "Man's 174 MPH Sneeze Blows Wife's Hair Off." "Satan's Skull Found. Bible experts call it the find of the century." Speaking of the devil, I heard a rumour that he was going out of business. He had a Blow Out Sale at his store there on 666th Avenue, offering to sell his tools to the highest bidder. His minions welcomed customers with sneers. Tools were...
Ah, winter. That season when our mothers draped us in 40 pounds of parka, thick mittens and winter boots so heavy you could barely walk to school. "You'll catch your death of cold," mom said while she wrapped four or five scarves around my head and pulled them so tight that I could see stars. I had to feel my way to school. If I fell over, I rolled a little, but I couldn't get up. I just stayed in a snowdrift until school was over and someone had mercy on me. Other than that,...
It's the start of a New Year. A new beginning. New hope. Some people resolve to get some exercise-to start walking between the fridge and the couch, rather than using a scooter. Others ask, "What kind of person do I want to be by the end of the year?" This year I'm asking, "What kind of person do I not want to be? I think we've all met some people we don't want to become. Like the lady down the block who owns 49 ferrets and stands at her front window pointing her hair dryer...
My older brothers had a favorite Christmas tradition. They used to save up the cardboard tubes from rolls of wrapping paper and whap me with them Christmas Eve until my mother made them stop. Through the years, our Christmas traditions became less violent. They involved sleeping under the Christmas tree, watching Star Wars, making Norwegian lefsa and cramming our house with relatives on Christmas Eve to eat too much and retell stories of Christmas past. Around the world,...
I was speaking at a summer camp for aboriginal teens. The rule with teens is that if you get one of them by himself or herself he or she has many, many functioning brain cells. Put two teens together and the number of functioning brain cells is immediately halved. But these were great kids with great potential. Life is challenging for them, though. Drug and alcohol abuse is common. A father in their lives is not. Many have considered suicide. One told me, "Things are dark...
